The Struggle

Struggle

Issue:  I want to trust that the Universe is supportive and is there for me. I am feeling called to finish my book and, in my mind, that means I need to go part time at work.  I am under the impression this will cause financial hardship and I am also have the understanding that I am supposed to trust God that I will be ok financially to complete this task I feel guided to complete.

Awareness:  I realized that this is so hard for me because my father(s) were never really there for me.  I have a block around trust and finances.  I am aware that things that were given to me often had a price tag. If someone gave me help, it was held over my head.  For example:  my mother, in 4th grade, helped me with a project and then asked what grade SHE got.  I was often reminded of this “help” and learned that I was not to ask for help.

 Anger/Resentment:  I am angry with “The Father”.  I am aware that this wound was created in utero when my biological father chose not to participate in my life. I was adopted by my “dad” when I was four years old. Yet he also was not thrilled to be present in my life. I am angry that neither of them did their own emotional work to heal themselves and their wounds.  I am angry that neither were emotionally available.  I am angry with their seeming acceptance and tolerance they have for their own negligent behavior.

 Emotional Expression:

I needed them!

I needed more love

I needed more support

I needed someone to believe in

I needed someone to believe in me

I have not forgiven them

I have not forgiven myself

I hate that they were able to go into denial and I cannot

I hate that they allowed their own pain to blind them

I hate that they couldn’t understand how much I needed them…

…To be there

…To guide me

…To be my hero

…To show me what a good man/father does

…To protect me

…To believe in themselves

…To have confidence

…To do what was right and necessary for their family to thrive

Self-blame:  I hate that I needed them.  I hate that I did so much to gain their approval, love, and attention.  I hurt because I lost myself in an effort to seek them, discover how to tend to their needs, win their approval, make them proud. I hurt because I believed all of their blame and criticism.  I hurt because I learned to believe that I was so awful that no one would ever be there for me – I could not figure out how to be good enough to be supported and loved. I continue to hold myself hostage by believing that I am not supposed to ask or need help.

 Does this anger do anything for me? No, because one is dead, and the other is not in my life. This anger keeps things feeling hard and alone.  It keeps me feeling like I want to escape. I don’t trust me to make it better or easier.

This all goes back to God…

Is life supposed to be this hard, or do I make it so?

I want less debt

I want relief

I want help

I want to trust…but I don’t

FULL CIRCLE